This week has been a difficult one for me, and I find I am struggling even with the smallest of tasks. Yesterday, November 15, 2013, was my tiny angel’s 20th birthday. Instead of blowing out his candles, gorging himself on cake, and eagerly opening presents with his Mom, he celebrated with his heavenly Father. My son passed away almost 20 years ago, he was 9 weeks and 6 days old, from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (S.I.D.S.). I continue to feel the pain just as I did the day he died. A while after my sweet baby passed away, I was at a mall, and through a store window I saw a beautiful concrete angel. It was a figure of an angel holding a baby angel in it’s arms. The look on both of their faces appeared so peaceful that it brought me to tears. I decided right then I wanted to gift this same peace to my baby. The angel was encased in a clear resin container, and the container then attached to my sons headstone to watch over him. One day over 15 years ago the angel became dislodged, someone took it to repair it, and it has never returned to my son’s headstone or my hands again.
I am having so much difficulty with sadness and my PTSD during this time of my son’s birthday and the holidays. My level of anxiety is staggering, intrusive thoughts are many, and my self-doubt seems to be through the roof. Sleep seems to evade me, without nightmares that is. Maybe it’s because of his birthday, the impending holidays, a controlling boss, or maybe it’s just me. I often have days or weeks like this, but as always, this too shall pass. I find that some of the long-term effects of being abused as both a child and an adult can lay dormant for periods of time, only to resurface at varying times without warning. I figured I would take this opportunity, close to Thanksgiving, to thank all whom have given me these unpredictable recurrent gifts that will no-doubt last a lifetime. However, I am putting you all on notice that I will forever be working on trying to exchange them for peace as it will fit me better. Patience is a virtue, and persistence pays.
RN Writer 2013